The Chattering Crow: Uvula crisis

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Uvula crisis

Okay, I don't like it when the uvula swells up and drags around the back of your throat. I always think I'm coming down with something much more serious--like ALS. Or I have that mysterious disease I heard on a childhood mystery radio program where someone's throat closed and they died.

You can die of throat closing? I have been terrified ever since.

My uvula has been in crisis for several days now, and so I've gotten online to find out that extended uvulas cause snoring and that there is a procedure where they cut off part of the uvula.

I don't want that. I don't care if it's a fifteen minute procedure. I don't want it.

I want my uvula to be invisible to me. I don't want it reminding me of a gag reflex.

So I was surprised to learn that some people have their uvulas pierced for a uvula ring. See the babe in the picture.

Why, people, why?

Please don't have it be anything to do with sex.

Gag me.

6 comments:

AnnJune 30, 2015 at 10:05 AM
Actually, I thought it did have something to do with sex. Because that word. It's confusing.
ReplyDelete
Replies
Megan GoatesJune 30, 2015 at 1:56 PM
I never even knew I should be afraid of death by throat closure!
ReplyDelete
Replies
CSIowaJune 30, 2015 at 1:57 PM
Speaking of confusion, I recently discovered that a person can get acne in places I never would have considered. The wonders of the human body!
ReplyDelete
Replies
SarahJuly 1, 2015 at 8:29 PM
I laughed so hard!
ReplyDelete
Replies
SarahJuly 1, 2015 at 8:30 PM
I laughed so hard!
ReplyDelete
Replies
Bonnie WhiteJuly 2, 2015 at 3:29 AM
I must be naive because I just can't even imagine how a pierced uvula figures into sex. I bet that wasn't in the Kama Sutra.
ReplyDelete
Replies

Add comment

You can quote me:

"The beautiful is as useful as the useful." Victor Hugo
"I don't want the damned sportsmanship award."
"Jesus glows in the dark like my pajama tops" George Plummer, age 4
"Our parents are crazy as hell." Sam Plummer, 2016
"Grandma, your hands are old." Sally Plummer, age 3.
"Expect the end of the world. Laugh. Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts." Wendell Berry
"Sitting is the new smoking is the new bullshit." Tom Plummer, 2014
"Never move an old tree." Dutch saying.
"I am universally offensive." Dede Plummer, 2014
"I don't want to see any movie with the word 'guys" in the title." Tom Plummer, 2013.
"Please bless Grandma. And Grandpa. That they can have a nice time. In their apartment." Louis Plummer, age 4.
“Don’t be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.” George Saunders
"Hello, my name is Tom, and I'll be your spouse this evening." Tom Plummer, 2012
Me: " Jesus knows EVERYTHING." Hank (10), "Yeah? How many fingers am I holding up?"
"In my end is my beginning." T.S. Eliot
"Nothing has prepared her for the wide, grey simplicity of sadness and for the knowledge that this is what the rest of her life will be like." Carol Shields
"My life has been a fog, but the only light, the only clarity-- has come from the simplicity of putting permanent ink on paper." Rian Plummer, age 17.
"When I die I'm leaving my body to science fiction." Steven Wright
"Does anybody need to go poopies?" Louis Plummer, age 3
"I grew up in the wide and spacious building." Charles Plummer, 2011
"Pride is a such a useless handicap." Christina Putney
"You are not too old and it is not too late to dive into your increasing depths where life calmly gives out it's own secret" — Rainer Maria Rilke
"Don't retire; retread your tires." Lucy Jarvis
"Grandma is never boring." Mira Plummer, age 8
"Not all who wander are lost." J.R.R. Tolkien
"The only way to get what you really want is to let go of what you don't want." Iyanla Vanzant
"Being in your body is a good place to be." Beatrix Ost
"I'm the world's oldest teenager." Iris Apfel, age 89