This was the third week of teaching English 2010. On Tuesday morning, I stood outside my classroom positive that if I went in, I would burst into tears in front of my students. I felt inadequate, lumpy, frail and even stupid, despite my careful preparations.The class went well. The class after that went well.
I had a stinging headache. "I hate teaching," I told Tom, who waited for me in the foyer. "I'm throwing one large assignment at them after another and they have no idea what they're doing. I'm supposed to be their writing advocate. It's supposed to be a process. There's not enough time for process."
"Slow it down then."
"But I have this schedule I'm supposed to follow. It's not my class." And that was the epiphany. "IT'S NOT MY CLASS. I HAVE TO MAKE IT MY CLASS."
"It always makes you sick not to be yourself." Wise words from Tom.
So on Thursday, I cut out the next assignment on the schedule and worked with the assignment they were supposed to be handing in. I had 8 people write their thesis sentences on the board. There wasn't a thesis among them. We reworked the sentences together.
"Do we have to hand these in like they are?" Students asked.
"No, you can hand them in a week from today."
I'm slowing it down, way down. Plus, I began the class with a Mary Oliver poem, The Journey, which related to the essay they were analyzing and we had a fine time. I had a fine time. I had to relearn this: if I'm not enjoying my own class, the students aren't either.
And I heard a student say, "I like this class."
Going to see THE IRON LADY this afternoon.
Having to relearn something is frustrating and liberating at the same time. Life is weird.
ReplyDeleteWhat Tom said is the most romantic thing a man could say. Seriously. He needs to be cloned.
ReplyDeleteActually, when I took your class last summer, that's the first thing I noticed/loved about you. Fearlessness to be yourself. It is a quality I hope to be able to cultivate myself someday.
Glad you found your stride with teaching!
Thank you for reinforcing what I have discovered lately - somewhere I forgot to be who I am meant to be. And I am so much happier being who I am meant to be and not what others expect me to be. I hope the Iron Lady lives up to the hype - I am looking forward to seeing it as well.
ReplyDeleteGood strategy! It seems like I've thrown my students straight into the deep end of the pool with the rhetorical analysis. I've been thinking about surprising my students some extra time when they come with their drafts on Monday and your post may be just what I needed to tip the balance. Enjoy the movie!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad "The Journey" is circling around. I read it with my students this year and sent it to Anne when she needed it. I love Mary Oliver.
ReplyDeleteCan summer come sooner so MY class with Louise will start? I am thrilled for your current students but it is killing me to read about the fun I am missing.
ReplyDeleteSort of like watching my favorite hairdresser struggle for years as a single parent with 5 kids, then she met a seemingly perfect guy on the internet. Turns out he IS perfect and as a side note, he is worth several million dollars. It is straight out of a freakin' romance novel and now I lost my train of thought about how my hairdresser relates to Louise...Oh yes, it is that both my hair lady and Louise work very hard to be their very best and they each deserve awesome lives and how the people around them are lucky to be a part of the magic.
So many classes (especially history) would be so much more enjoyable if teachers would SLOW THINGS DOWN. I'm glad you followed your gut instinct for your English class.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was the only one with this love-hate relationship with teaching. Maybe all along it's been partly due to me teaching with an imaginary composition director hovering over my shoulder, whispering his doubts into my ear. This gives me hope for when I start teaching again (if). I'll try to be more true to myself. For now, being true to myself means sitting on the couch, staring out the window, sipping a diet coke. Chocolate is also heavily involved.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWe assume they can write a personal or analytical response by this age but many can't compose a sentence. The tyranny of the curriculm dictates the pace far too often. I'm glad you slowed it down and made it your own. Now they will learn something. And thanks for sharing Mary Oliver. I hadn't read that poem before.
Delete