Things I don't want for Christmas

--a Chia pet

--a leopard bra

--The Kama Sutra

--an English translation of Mein Kampf

--a paint-by-number kit

--hand lotion, unless it’s Aspercreme

--flipflops

--a framed picture of Jesus

--Japanese anime

--a gift certificate for ballroom dancing

--holiday earrings

--peanut butter bars

--a subscription to PMLA

--a penny whistle

--a plastic belt

--rollerblades