A few weeks ago, I went down to the pool and Saddam Hussein was swimming the side stroke in the pool. Rather than swimming laps the length of the pool, he swam at a diagonal from corner to corner. Okay, I thought, I'll sit in the hot tub until he's finished, and then I'll take my thirty minutes.I sat and I sat and I sat. Whenever I looked up, Saddam stared at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. It wasn't lust in his eyes. I haven't aroused lust in anyone for twenty-five years.
Recalitrant. That was the look. I felt I was in a power struggle with him over the pool.
You probably don't know this, but people my age are not supposed to sit in a hot tub for longer than ten minutes or they're in danger of a heart attack (trust me on this). I had been sitting there quite a bit longer than that. I thought, he's not going to get out of the pool unless I leave. So I left and came back in an hour.
A week later, I am swimming laps and I am five minutes away from being finished when Saddam walks in. I can tell from his face that he's not pleased to see me in the pool. I keep swimming.
He steps into the pool and, to my astonishment, begins his mamby-pamby sidestroke at a diagonal.
Stay out of my way, I think. I go back and forth and on the third crossing I touch him in the water accidently. Grosser than gross.
I get out and go upstairs.
I'm not a match for this guy.
Tom said I should have yelled at him.
If Saddam Hussein ran this country, I'd move to Big Tancook Island, Nova Scotia and wait to die.
I sympathize. I would forgive you for yelling at him. I failed with a more benign approach. I wrote about the day I was completely cowed at the pool here:
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I still haven't been back.
I read your piece. Cowed describes both of us. But I have returned to the pool, because it was one of the reasons I moved into this building. If Saddam is there, I'll leave and come back. If he shows up, I'll leave.
ReplyDeleteI have one question: Does Saddam wear a Speedo?
ReplyDeleteThat is unsettling to be sure.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I love the oh-so-frequent posts of late. Thank you.
I would get a swimming cap with a spike. on the diagonal.
ReplyDeleteWhat would happen if you asked that Mr. Saddam to swim parallel to you and shared the pool? What would happen? Would the pool implode on itself?
ReplyDeleteOh Jean, I've never been THAT mature.
ReplyDeleteNo, he doesn't wear a Speedo.
I think his evil girlfriend swims at my pool. She approached me and told me I needed etiquette lessons. I'm still not sure why. But then when she sprawled out on her silver plastic floatie and pulled her swimsuit all the way up her butt to reveal to saggy tan cheeks I thought the same thing about her!
ReplyDeleteHe has a harry back. I just know it.
ReplyDeleteI meant "hairy."
ReplyDeleteI think you should invite him to a swim meet - make him go the full length. He obviously wouldn't be able to match your superior length swimming ability. That ought to teach him a good lesson.
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