Monday, July 15, 2013

Being murdered in your dream cottage

Linda J. brought up the fear that she might be murdered in her bed while in her dream cottage by the sea.

This is no idle fear.  We all know people who have been murdered in their beds while the ocean ebbs and flows in the near distance.  We have read it in books and seen it in movies.  Every summer beautiful women hear a noise.  They get out of bed in their skimpy night gowns to go examine the source of the noise.  They don't turn on the lights.  All the windows are open.

If they are downstairs, they go upstairs.

Don't they know there is no place to escape upstairs?  Why not just walk out of your front door, get in your car and return home to your split ranch in the suburbs?

Rules for not getting killed in your dream cottage by the sea:

1. Lock your doors.  I once had a cottage in Manti where I wrote, and I saw no reason for ever using the back door and I nailed it shut.  Yes--nailed.

2.  Close the blinds at night.  Even if someone didn't want to kill me, but just peek-a-boo in on me, I would die of fright.

3.  Leave the porch light on at night.  It discourages loitering on your porch.

4.  Is the beach in New York City or on Nantucket?  There is no rule here.

5.  Even in New York City I never met anyone who wanted to kill me.  No rule here either.

6.  Keep an AK-47 in the cottage.

7.  You could bring a dog, but my dogs always woofed at anything, so that didn't really help.

8.  Place noisemakers near all doors and windows, so that you can hear the intruder before he stabs you a dozen times and cuts you into tiny pieces.

9.  Don't be a total idiot and watch WHAT LIES BENEATH before you go to bed.

10.  Self medicate.

11 comments:

  1. Harrison and I did not go looking for where the noises were. We just walked out of that noisy cottage. Down the road. Didn't look back.

    Number 9 is vital.

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  2. Ooh..."Wait Until Dark" with Audrey Hepburn!

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  3. Someone coming up from the basement or lurking in my closet cause no small fear. I used to sleep in the bathroom for years - it felt like the safest place in the house.

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  4. Oh, the stories I could tell about people trying to get into my house. Well, story. I needed this list then.

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  5. I really need to quit reading your blog late at night when I'm in bed, because YOU are killing me! I'm trying so hard to stifle my laughter because the hubs is sound asleep, inches away!

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  6. Thanks for the list, I can now go buy that dream cottage. Although I worry about rule #1, wonder if I need to escape through said back door? And I agree with Bonnie about the basement, when I was young my older brothers and sisters (seven of them) loved to hide downstairs in the cold storage room so that when I got sent down to retrieve something for my mother they would jump out and scare me. Scarred for life.

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  7. #11 Double check the internet to see if California's Night Stalker is still in jail and hasn't escaped. You're hilar.

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  8. Wear ear plugs and have a fan for white noise. If someone is going to kill me in my sleep I don't want to hear them coming.

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  9. Let them try to kill us. I have a little "redneck" grandson who would take down any intruder. I am more concerned about swimmers itch.

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  10. I have a cabin in the woods, with this same fear. Don't ever watch "The Strangers" before bed. Bad, bad idea.

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