Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Vacuum Shamkuum

Have I vacuumed twice this week?

A few posts ago, I mentioned that I vacuumed twice a week, unlike my mother, who vacuumed every day.

Reader, Bonnie W, pointed out that in the temple, they vacuum every six sessions. Was she inferring that I should do the same?  And isn't every six sessions really only once a day, anyway? I mean, have you ever heard someone vacuuming in the temple? I think not.

Even using my little 12-pound vacuum, I sweat like a tuba player in the 4th of July parade. Sweat rolls off my forehead and into my eyes. It drips from my nose. 

This is not hyperbole. I have estrogen issues. The main issue being that Dr. Mengele won't let me take estrogen. I now carry a hand held fan in my purse in case I break into a sweat at the symphony or at a restaurant where my sweat nauseates other patrons.

I don't think I smell, but how can I be sure of this?  "Do I smell?" I sometimes ask Tom.

"No, you don't smell," he says, but what does he know?  He can't smell. Period. He can't smell, and he can't see, and he can't hear. Not only that, but he wants to stay on my good side, so chances are he'd lie anyway.

I was out of the house a good part of the day and when I came home, there were sunflower petals in the vestibule (one of my favorite words).  I should vacuum that up, I thought.  But I'm so tired, I thought.  In the temple, they would vacuum this up, I thought.  But they don't have bouquets of sunflowers in the temple, I thought.  And vacuuming makes me sweaty and smelly, I thought.

I did not vacuum.  I lay on the sofa like Daisy Buchanan and browsed through an issue of House Beautiful.

Did you vacuum today?


  1. Oh Louise, you are a daily dose of perfect hilarity.

  2. Doing the dishes is what makes me sweaty so every morning I think I will do them before I shower so I can wash the sweat away but then I lay in bed reading to long and have no time to do it before I shower!

  3. hahaha!

    "He can't smell, and he can't see, and he can't hear. Not only that, but he wants to stay on my good side, so chances are he'd lie anyway."

    I am a young(er) lady who sweats a lot and asks that question a lot - to a husband who may be lying to me!

  4. I've helped clean the temple. We used to go late, like 10 pm. I didn't like vacuuming a place that *clearly* did not need it when I knew my own home desperately needed a thorough vacuum and dusting. Did my resentment invalidate any blessings earned from helping to clean the temple? Probably.

    Oh well.

    My policy on cleaning is: if doing the cleaning will make me more upset than leaving the mess, I clean. Otherwise, I leave the mess.

  5. You should hire one of your grandchildren to vacuum. 'I will give you three dollars to vacuum the house.' It will be the best, sweatless $3-$5 you spend a week. :)

  6. I agree with Rachel "if not vacuuming makes you more upset, than do it" as well as with BBB. What are those grandchildren for anyway?

  7. One of your grandchildren wants to save up money for the Lego Death Star. (Bet you can't guess who...) Have him vacuum sometimes.

    You smell like rainbows and unicorns.

  8. I can't decide to sweep the massive balls of hair on my bedroom floor each day, or just chop my hair off.

    You never stink. You smell like my grandma. That's a good smell.