Thursday, January 29, 2015

Marriage as a public sport

So I was waiting in line at the grocery store where I saw the tabloids blaring rumors that George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin were divorcing after what?  Four months?  And a mean thought came into my head:  Hey, that makes George Clooney a Kim Kardashian.  I like to cluster my celebrities. You may remember that Kim and Kris Humphries made it all of 72 days.

Anyway, I actually bought one of these magazines and read the article.  The author only quoted "sources" and "insiders."  No names.  I figured it was a tabloid fiction.

I admit I felt smug, though.  What's the matter with these people?  I've been married over 50 years and nary a rumor of divorce.

Then I remembered the night (about two months into my marriage to Tom) when I got out of bed at two in the morning, because of some imagined slight, and left the apartment and the sleeping Tom to sit in our red VW and plan my marital escape.  I would drive to Victoria, Canada, which I had recently seen for the first time, and make a new life there.

Only I didn't know how to get there, and I didn't have a map, and I've never been good at planning anything--so I just sat there and bawled.

What if there had been paparazzi following me out to the student housing parking lot and taken snapshots of me howling in my car?   Imagine what the Salt Lake Tribune could have done with that?

Has your marriage been paparazzi-proof?

Kim Kardashian and Krish Humphries
George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin
Louise and Tom 1964


  1. You were adorable!

    My crisis hit at the 3 week mark. After our first spat, I left our student housing apartment and walked back to my old dorm, where I watched a movie with my old roommates. I couldn't tell them I made the biggest mistake of my life and married an ass, so I lied about how wonderful newly wedded life was. My room mates got jealous and they practically escorted to the door at the end of the movie.
    I wandered around campus for a while, trying to come up with an escape plan, but none came.
    I gave up and went back to my new husband. He apologized, I promised to never leave in the middle of a fight again, and here we are 27 years later. At this point, we are too tired to think of anything besides running away from life together. The other options require too much work.

  2. I can't stop staring at the babe in the yellow dress, circa 1964.

  3. In our 6 years of living together I slept on the couch once since he kept waking me up since I was snoring and then when I woke up in the morning I was so confused I yelled so loud I am sure our neighbors thought I was a real wacko!

  4.'s true. You woudn't believe me if I told you. But there was an MBA study session in Las Vegas, and lady of the night roomate walking through the study session on her way to meet the very man. It was before the wedding but after the pregnancy and my huz had to put me in a headlock so I wouldn't call the Enquirer. I hate cheaters.